It’s Time to Start Camping Properly…

Thanks to the world wide internets, there’s a whole heap of rank amateur bastards out there spreadin’ fake news about campervannin’. Ol’ Bob hates nothin’ more than fake news, so he’s givin’ ya’ll a bundle of truth right here about life on the road. Chase your F%#@!n’ Dreams!™

Ol’ Bob loves the internet, but some of the shit on there makes his blood boil. Campervannin’ is not just a hashtag – it’s a way of life! “There’s all these campervan folks out there on the ‘Instantgram’, young folks mostly, braggin’ about all the pretty things they see and do. But they’re missin’ the point. The open road is about clockin’ off and getting away from the grid – for the life of baby jesus, put down your f%#@!n’ phones and look up! The sky won’t be blue for much longer if we keep puttin’ knuckleheads like Trump in charge!”

Anyway, Bob’s very passionate about campervans – and particularly sensitive about all this fake campervannin’ news gettin around on the internets right now. So Bob’s gonna lay it out for all you pathetic mortals who haven’t lost their vanginity yet…

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1. Hire a Campervan that suits your budget…

There’s no point emptying your cookie jar at all if it means you gotta dog food along the way. There’s campervans out there for all budgets and tastes. Budget Camper brands offer cheap campervans from around $29 per day – sometimes even cheaper in low season! These budget campers all include an unlimited km allowance and are fitted out on the cheap with a bed and all the basic kitchen equipment you need for basic meal preparation. However, these budget campers generally don’t feature toilets or showers, so you might need to fork out some cash on the road for campsites (unless you love rollin’ around in your own filth, like Bob).

If you’ve got a few more cookies in your jar, it might be worth your while hiring a more upmarket campervan. The extent of your comfort is dependent on the size of your wallet of course, but you can certainly rent a basic Hi-top campervan with a toilet & shower from $99 a day at particular times of the year. Forget about it over the busy summer season – unless you’ve got more dollars than sense.

Right up the top of the price ladder, where the bougeoir frolick in gold satin and caviar, are the Motorhomes. Ol’ Bob sees these motorhome folk everywhere out there on the road, usually white-haired winnebago warriors, blowin’ little Billy’s inheritance faster than a Frenchman on a bread stick. These Motorhomes can be expensive, but if you’ve got a small group of people who can all pitch in, they become surprisingly affordable! Especially when you consider the savings you’ll make along the way (campgrounds in Australia can be got-damn expensive – it’s honestly cheaper to get a kidney in some countries than it is to park up on some patches of grass in Australia!).


2. Plan Your Trip…

You don’t wanna be drivin’ the whole damn time – you’ll get white line fever (and I’m not talkin’ about Sydney banker syndrome either). Work out where you wanna go in your campervan, plan for no more than 200kms driving every day. Do this and you’ll have plenty of time to enjoy Australia AND score hot babes.


3. Don’t Drive at Night in the Country…

Apart from the obvious danger of fatigue, Australia is littered with cute, fluffy mammals who are just itchin’ to commit suicide on your windscreen. If this happens you’ll not only lose your rental bond and fuck up your campervan, you could also end up deader than the animal on Donald Trumps head. Know your limitations and if you’re in budget campervan, take it easy – those old girl’s need a rest every now and then.


4. Seriously Consider One Way Campervan Hires…

One Way hires are the greatest thing to happen to campervans since the introduction of politically-motivated bumper stickers. Think about it – Australia’s a fucking big place, and there’s limited routes cross-country that don’t entail driving the same way back to where you came from. One Way relocation hires give you freedom and a sense of appreciation of your surroundings – the kind of feeling that only comes when you’re in a new place and you’re not sure you’ll ever be back.

Furthermore, you’ll probably save a heap of rental and fuel costs – saving more money for your next campervan adventure!


5. Know Your Way Around a Campervan…

Learn how to change a tyre and basic campervan maintenance. Even though most camper rental companies provide a roadside assistance service, there will be times when just knowing your way around a vehicle can get you out of a shit-tonne of trouble. If you’re in the outback, for instance, help might be hours – even days, away. And if you’re stuck because you’ve got a flat, or you didn’t check your oil, then not only will you be bored shitless on the side of the road, you’ll also be out of pocket for repairs and recovery costs. That’s right – most campervan rental companies’ roadside service will not cover call out costs for minor issues like tyre changes and broken or lost keys. And why should they? If you’re allowed on the road, you should know the basics of campervan maintenance.

6. Respect your Mother, you Son-of-a-Bitch…

Mother Nature, that is. Don’t be a jerk, put your waste in the bin and minimise your footprint.


7. Eat Well on the Road…

If you’re in a budget campervan (a little old girl without a toilet or shower), then you need to make sure your diet ain’t too crazy. Too many service station meat pies can mean that a bathroom emergency will be inevitable – most likely when you’re nowhere near a bathroom. And ol’ Bob can attest – driving with a crotch full of yesterdays culinary delights can seriously diminish your roadtrip experience…


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Chadwick Jnr’s (second from left) voice never fully recovered.

8. In Australia, Drive on the LEFT side of the road…please…

Ol’ Bob learnt this lesson the hard way. Way back in 1983, Bob was a roadie for Sydney prog-rock band ‘Nipple Melt’. As the final leg of the tour neared, Bob drove the band from Brisbane to Adelaide in a record 12-hours. It’s all a blur of cocaine and kangaroos to Bob now, but this highway blitzkreig sent him catatonic and motoring in the wrong lane between the rural towns of Armidale and Dubbo. The sheer terror of the ordeal caused Chadwick Jnr, the lead singer of ‘Nipple Melt’, to scream persistently for the 3 or so hours before Bob came to. The damage sustained to his vocal chords was permanent and ultimately ruined the band…